Dreams.

Signs.

What are you trying to tell me?

If you ever thought I was a little bit—weird, quirky—whichever word you have used. Well, I’m about to take you into the deep end so put your floaties on.

 

For as long as I could remember, I’ve experienced what some would call “night terrors”. I’ve also always had extremely vivid dreams that I’ve viewed as signs. I’m a big believer that “other side” can and do interact with us in different ways. 

 

I’ll start with the night terrors, but I’m going to need y’all to hold any judgement until the end and probably even after. HA! My “dark companion” as I’ve come to call him, always appears during these night terrors. I usually fall asleep; a dream will start that is just downright scary and somehow in the process I wake up but I’m not fully awake and I don’t have control of my body. It’s like being paralyzed I would assume. This is when my dark companion will appear. Sometimes over me, next to me or in the doorway. I usually can’t move my head in the direction to really see but I know it’s there. My heart will be racing, I usually start sweating and I’m just super duper scared! You can ask my sister and Jason to validate this, but I usually will scream, a blood curdling scream during these terrors. LOL. This will usually wake me up and snaps me out of it. 

 

Let me get to the relevance here. Prior to learning of Oliver’s condition, I had so many dreams of him. But it was always a huge anticipation of what he’d look like. I think deep down everyone wants this beautiful baby and fears the opposite. Sometimes I would dream that he had a head of grown man or be a girl or be a perfect little boy. Soon after getting his news, I had a night terror. But this one was different than ever before. Started the same, fall asleep, the room appears in my dream but dark and unrecognizable. My dark companion is here, but he’s not standing the same. What I mean by this is I’m not scared of him. He’s not approaching me. He’s standing in the corner of my bedroom next to my bed. I vividly remember saying—you have him, don’t you? He never talked; he’s never talked but I knew what he was trying to tell me. I said—what can I give you to have him normal again? The response was there was nothing but that he’d leave me in exchange for Oliver, but only however he came. I remember saying, I feel like I’ll miss you, but I need you to go. I need my son. And I promise you, for the last 2 months I have yet to have another night terror. This would usually happen 2-3x a week. In a weird way, I miss him. I’ve had these terrors my whole life and it’s always been him. 

 

Many of you know I had a very dear friend pass away in a car accident December 2012. I used to have very vivid dreams with him too. It was acknowledged in these dreams he had passed and was in heaven and only visiting me in dreams as that was the only way to talk. The night he died, 27 min before he died, we were exchanging text messages. You can understand the pain of never having closure from that loss and always yearning for it. I had a dream of him back in 2013 and in this dream, he was visibly getting old. I asked him what was going on and he told me that each time he visited a person in his dream he had to give up time. Since he had a son, he needed to devote his time for him. I told him I completely understand that I’ll always be thinking of him and praying for him. Since then, I’ve never had another dream with him. Until now. I dreamt his sister came to my home here in Washington and told me Richie wanted to visit and wanted to make sure I’d be home. Again, in this dream I knew he had passed but it didn’t seem out of ordinary, and I said of course. Tell him to come by whenever. There was another knock on the door, I open the door and Richie was standing with his back towards the door. He turned around and said here’s your baby, he’s a boy! You’re going to be so happy Jenn. I took the baby from his arms and was just in awe with how beautiful he was that I couldn’t even take my eyes off him. I looked up and Richie was backing away. I had so much to say but I didn’t know what to do first—look at my baby or talk to him. He said I don’t have time I have to go. Be happy, Jenn. And just like that he was gone. 

 

Another dream I had; I had just given birth. They were bringing me back to my room and when I walked in there was a chair in the middle of the room. It was turned away from me. Slowly it turned around and it was my grandpa Raul. My mother’s father who passed away in the early 2000’s. Naturally I was confused. He said, your son is here. He’s been with me. He’s fine. Again, Oliver was beautifully perfect.

 

I’ve always trusted and believed in my dreams as signs. When I started having all these dreams of these people I cared and loved for having my son I felt like it was the other side telling me to have faith. The test would be wrong, and Oliver would be perfect. Naturally when the final diagnosis was given, I felt betrayed by a system I had trusted in for so long. How could these people who I loved could lie to me? I vowed to never trust in them again. That I was silly to even think something so bizarre would be anything but a mind trick. A lie. 

 

I journal a lot. I have so many notebooks that I keep at work or at home. If I have a thought, if I see a quote, if I have a “vision”,I write it down as soon as possible so I can later re-read it and analyze it. I’ve gone back and re-read these dreams and it’s made sense to me now. I misinterpreted them. My son was with these people. He has been cared over by them. Even my dark companion, who I’ve feared for so long. My son may never meet me, but I find solace that the first face he sees is God’s. That he’ll meet my best friend Richie, my grandfather Raul, my uncle Louie and Arturo, his grandfather Hoot and his precious cousin Baby Hoot. All the puppy dogs and kitties we have loved and all our friends and family who have left us. They had him before me to protect him and to love him. They will have him even after, forever. While I hate this truth, there is no other second best. He was always healed and beautiful in my dreamsbecause I know when you get to heaven all your pain and suffering will be gone.

1/27/2022